Simple jokes

What did the numbers inspector say when he saw a perfect two?

This two shall pass.

I’d tried canning once. It was jarring.

Twice is a funny word. In a way, it’s the smallest word for more than once. (Count on fingers, “once, twice…”) And yet twice is always…two many. (Pause after “always” then hold up two fingers on the “two”)

Twelve is “one two” many.

I didn’t want two jokes.

But I had two.

Things you don’t want to hear from your barista…

“that’s what I went to school for too”

Why did the philanthropist move to Portland?

He wanted to be an Oregon donor.

Fetch a teeny Alfredo

Court reporters are the writers of wrongs.

Did you know that your index finger is your number one counter part?

vs.

“This is my number one counter part”

Every triangle is a right triangle when looked at from the right angle. (Hold up random triangles, orient them as right triangles?)

I think we need to talk about the dangers of ticks more. And I don’t just mean on some government website.
We need to talk about it where people are actually spending their time.

What we need is hashtag tick talk TikTok

I want to open a stir fry and dinner rolls restaurant. I’m going to call it the wok and roll hall of flame.

What did the cloud say when it ran into the mountain?

I mist.

What did Humphrey Bogart say when he started studying geometry?

Here’s looking at Euclid.

What do bank deposits and introverts have in common?

They both want to be a loan.

Even my money doesn’t like me.

Just last week a twenty dollar bill asked me if I could deposit it in my bank account instead of carrying it in my pocket. I asked why, thinking it might have been something I said. But the twenty said it justed wanted to be a loan.

Hobbies…

Cigars could be an interesting hobby. I’m just not sure if I want to put on that much weight.
I collect numbers. Well, I collect some numbers. Not every number. The other day I saw a nice two but I didn’t buy it. Later that day my brother asked why I didn’t buy the two. I told him I didn’t want two.
I want to be discrete about it so I’m careful to store the numbers individually.

Things I misheard…

I saw Jo Dee Messina in concert once. She sang a song about like a thing had happened and then I think it was that she couldn’t stop laughing. The title was something like “my giggle dams busted”.
I once heard a country song that I think was written by an IRS agent. It was called “deep in the heart of taxes”

I once a twenty story building. But it wasn’t as impressive as it sounds. They were all based on the same plot.

What did Earth say on the first day?

Good morning, my sun.

I’m working on writing my first play. It’s about words. I’m calling it “the word play”. Get it? It’s a play on words.

I once saw an extreme documentary about the negative health effects of performance enhancing drug use. It was basically a food documentary on steroids.

Free marketing ideas…

Johnny Cash, a swanky bank, slogan “Stash your Cash at Cash’s cash cache”
a game show with a bunch of checks blowing around called “cash me if you can”

Why didn’t Cornelius Ryan like the movie adaptation of his book?

It was abridged too far.

For your local economy, eat local For your health, eat low cal For the best taco shops, eat low Cal

Why was the moon making so many bad decisions?

It was a full-ish moon.

I would have gotten here sooner but every stop sign was red.

I once rode a train long distance and the strangest thing happened. Every single railroad crossing was down when we got it.

Somebody somewhere wrongly believes they have imposter syndrome. I was worried it was me, so I asked my therapist. He said he didn’t feel qualified to give his opinion. So now I’m thinking it’s him.

But who am I to know?

Westley and Buttercup never had kids. Apparently Buttercup was inconceivable.

What do you call a guy that does color correction for a living?

A hue man.

Ambiguous but grammatically correct…

I need to build a dog house for my wife.

Assassins make a living killing.

Constipation is when you feel like shit but can’t.

A dog’s mouth is also it’s licker cabinet.

I told my friend I’ve been practicing making espresso at home and asked if she wanted to try some. She said hit me with your best shot.

I took a boxing lesson but felt bad about punching the lady, so I asked first. She said hit me with your best shot.

I asked a professional photographer if she would take a look at some of my photos. She said hit me with your best shot.

I asked my wife what she wanted to do later.

I wrote a haiku It’s good maybe but not great, I shared it with you

I once asked a geologist out. She said maybe if you were an isotope I would date you.

Wearing a wetsuit well is a hard look to pull off.

What do you call someone who swears before something bad happens?

A precursor.

I eat cereal with a cup and fork so I can drink the milk last.

If you like drinking cereal milk, why not swap the bowl and spoon for a cup and fork?

What did the 80’s say to the 70’s? Get the funk out of here.

If you think about, the words in butt dialing and booty calling have the same meaning.

When I was kid and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say I didn’t know. They said well you’re going to have to decide sometime. I’m 41 now. The jokes on them.

I once met a mean potato. I don’t it’s too harsh to call it a dick tator.

I once saw a guy late for the birth of his first child. He was pronounced dad on arrival.